If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Girls are like phones. They love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson

All generalizations are false, including this one.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. - Paddy O'Dea